Have you ever traveled with someone who somehow develops a brand-new medical condition every single vacation?
No?
Well…I have.
Pick me. 🙋🏻♀️
This particular trip took place at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. To protect this individual’s identity (and their fragile bowels), we’ll simply refer to them as they/them.
While standing in the 120-minute line for Avatar Flight of Passage, this individual casually mentioned they hadn’t…how shall I put this…conducted official business in a while.
At first it was just mild discomfort.
About an hour later, it was becoming a full-blown hostage situation.
As any good friends would do, we immediately started offering solutions.
“Dulcolax.”
“Miralax.”
Every suggestion was immediately shot down because this individual had apparently been personally victimized by every laxative known to mankind.
Then my friend Josh said, “Maybe you should try sugar-free gummies.”
We all stared at him like he’d just suggested eating drywall.
“Candy? Really?”
He started laughing.
“Have you ever read the Amazon reviews for sugar-free gummy bears?”
None of us had.
So…because Disney gives you approximately three business days to stand in the Flight of Passage queue…we pulled up Amazon and started reading.
If you’ve never done this…
Please do.
Immediately.
Those reviews deserve a Pulitzer Prize.
By the time we got off the ride, we had laughed ourselves into dehydration and were determined to find sugar-free gummies.
Thankfully…
Goofy had our backs.
Right there in Dinoland U.S.A.
Our mystery traveler wasn’t convinced they’d work, so they ate a few.
Nothing.
A few more.
Still nothing.
A few more.
By the time we boarded the bus back to the hotel…
Houston…
We had movement.
The stomach cramps started halfway through the ride.
As we walked through the hotel lobby, they kept saying,
“You guys stay down here.”
“I’ll only be a minute.”
Hard pass.
We were exhausted, sweaty, and just wanted air conditioning.
When we reached the room, they tried again.
“Stay in the hallway.”
“No one come in.”
Again…
Absolutely not.
Now here’s the important part.
The hotel bathroom had one of those trendy barn doors.
Not exactly Fort Knox.
And the shower had one of those shiny metal plates behind the faucet…
Positioned at just the right angle that if you happened to be sitting on the toilet…
You got to make uninterrupted eye contact…
With yourself.
The water started running.
The TV volume mysteriously increased to maximum.
We respected the effort.
About thirty minutes later…
The bathroom door slowly opened.
Out walked a shell of a human.
Sweaty.
Bright red.
Moving at the speed of continental drift.
Looking like they’d just completed Navy SEAL training.
Concerned, we asked,
“Are you okay?”
They looked at us and said,
“I think so.”
Then they paused.
“You know what the worst part was?”
We all leaned in.
“No…”
“What?”
Without missing a beat they said,
“Having to sit there and watch my own suffering.”
Silence.
Then absolute chaos.
We laughed so hard people nearly needed bathrooms for entirely different reasons.
So what’s today’s Tracegian travel tip?
✅ Always read warning labels.
✅ Always read Amazon reviews.
And if Goofy is selling sugar-free gummies in Dinoland…
Proceed with extreme caution.
Some rides last three minutes.
Those gummies?
They’re an experience.
Until next time…xoxo
Tracy
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